Merely Adequate: Why I No Longer Consider Myself a Christian, or Even a Theist.

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February 29, 2008

Why I No Longer Consider Myself a Christian, or Even a Theist.

Sent by me as a letter to a bunch of people.

Dear Friends and Family,

This is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever written, as I know all of you will take this in different ways, and it may actually offend some of you, and this is definitely not my wish. If you are receiving this letter it is because you are someone who is important to me and I want to be honest with you about what I am thinking and feeling, and most importantly what I no longer believe and part of the reasons why. I know some of you will be shocked and even hurt buy this letter, and I assure you that is not my intention. That is one of the reasons this letter is so difficult to write. I wanted to write this letter because my faith was always so much a part of who I was to some people. My realization that I have never actually believed in God is something that it is important for me to share with you.

I no longer believe in God, the Father Almighty, or that he is Creator of heaven and earth, nor in Jesus Christ.

Jesus the man may or may not have existed, but I do not believe that he was conceived of the Holy Spirit and born of the Virgin Mary.

I do not believe he descended into hell or that the third day He arose again from the dead.

I do not believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting, at least not in the biblical sense.

Yes, the above mostly came from the apostle’s creed, it seemed like a good way to get it all out of the way. I also do not believe that the bible is the word of God.

Do I absolutely know that God doesn’t exist? Of course not! I would have to be omniscient to declare such a thing, and I’m barely aware of my surroundings when I get wrapped up in something, I’m far from all seeing! Am I open to the idea of God? Sure! I respect one’s right to believe or disbelieve as one chooses. I guess the next part of this letter should explain why I don’t believe anymore.

I’ve been a Christian for more than 25 years, and a Bible believing biblical literalist for more than 15 of them. I used to read the Bible daily, I still do read it quite frequently, and no, not with a critical eye, but still seeking truth in it. I used to be quite the apologist, even to the point of my friends jokingly dubbing me the ninja theologian. One thing that was always lacking was a concrete feeling of God’s presence. I had lots of warm, tingly feelings that I attributed to God, but never anything real. There was never a single moment of my prayers where I felt like I was praying to anything more than the ceiling or the sky. Sure, I reasoned through a lot of problems with my internal dialogue, and sometimes things came to pass, but sometimes they didn’t. Yes, I know there are lots of arguments for why some prayers are answered and some or not. Trust me, I know most of them and probably even made up a few. You see, I always had to do repetitive things to make God seem more real to me. Constant prayer, surrounding myself with Christian music, going to Bible study and church, even putting scripture and faith words on my walls to keep the thought of God ever present in my mind. Even with all of these things, putting on the armor of God as Ephesians says to, I still never truly experienced the presence of God. Now I have acknowledged all of the arguments in my mind against God, particularly against the God of the Bible, but the biggest one, and the only one I will reveal in this letter is this: Why if God is the omnipotent, non temporally bound, omniscient creator of the universe do I have to practice all the time to make myself believe in him? I don’t have to do that to make me believe in any of you. Heck, I don’t have to do that to make myself believe in people I’ve never met!

I’ve been listening to Christian music while writing this; in fact I’ve been listening to it quite a bit recently. Some of it still moves me. God of Wonders gets me every time; I’ve been singing it for weeks. There Is A Redeemer is another one, especially Keith Green singing it. A proper singing of Holy, Holy, Holy or Be Thou My Vision can give me chills. I still get emotional thinking of Rosalyn Pratt’s version of Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee, I don’t have the recording anymore, but it was amazing. You see, it’s not that I want to run and hide from God, or that I want to not believe in him, it’s just that I don’t. I’m not writing this to try and convert anyone to my way of thinking. There was a time when I wanted to convert everyone to Christianity, but gradually my thinking changed over the years, thinking that God must be much bigger than any concept we could ever have of him, and certainly he could reach through the bounds of religion and touch anyone at any point in their life. I always believed that Jesus was the only way to heaven, just that he could meet people on their terms. The thing I was always ignoring, is that God was never tangible to me, at least not in the way other people are, or even inanimate objects. The warm fuzzies were, but I think even the most faithful would admit that emotion and feelings are not enough.

One of my best friends, and a receiver of this letter, told me a story once about a crisis of faith. Forgive me if I tell it wrong. He was looking out his bedroom window and spied a moth fluttering about across the street. He prayed, “God, if you are real, then make that moth fly over to my window.” Sure enough, the moth fluttered around quite a bit and gradually made it’s way across the street, right up to his window. I’ve been praying for years for God to please make himself more real to me, and at times I got the tingles, but I’ve gotten those from McDonald’s commercials too, and I certainly don’t worship the golden arches.

I don't know if this letter will come as a surprise to any of you. Maybe you could tell I was heading to this way of thinking, but I didn't really see it coming. I knew my thoughts were changing, but never thought they would end up here. At one time my faith in the Bible and Christianity was so strong, but even then I had awful questions and really feel that I was making excuses for God and the Bible. All of what I have written is open to discussion and I welcome any questions you may have. I will still attend church from time to time, and will gladly participate in any sort of gathering with religious or spiritual themes. I will not be taking communion out of respect for the practice. Most churches ask that you believe to partake and since I do not, I will not.

Lastly, I am not sad, depressed, angry, or in any other way distressed. Quite to the contrary, I am happy and feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I never had a miraculous, emotional conversion to Christianity, but this feeling may be what it’s like if you do. I feel like my eyes have been opened and now I can truly appreciate people for who they are and life and the world for what they are. I’m not going to run off and live a life of immoral debauchery. In fact some of the atheists I know are incredibly moral people and I respect them every bit as much as I do those who I previously called my brothers and sisters in Christ. As I reach the end of the letter I still have the urge to sign off with “God Bless” or some such thing, but that would be ridiculous given my lack of belief. I sincerely apologize if this letter causes you distress, but I had to write it, to be honest to both you and myself. This may seem like I came to this decision overnight, but I assure you it is the result of many years of study, prayer (unanswered), and meditation. I have no idea where my life's journey will take me. If a deity reveals him or herself to me I will not ignore them. I just know now that none have ever truly done so for me before.

Wishing you many blessings, regardless of their source.

Mike

For now Agnostic/Atheist

Sites I frequent:

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?

http://www.geocities.com/paulntobin/manufall.html

http://ffrf.org/

http://www.beliefnet.com

Posted by Mike at February 29, 2008 9:12 PM

Comments

Mike,

I know, as you said, that this was difficult for you to write and, once again I have to tell you that I'm really proud of you! Especially the openness and accepting attitude you express in your letter. You have become a warmer, more loving person and you were already pretty great in that respect!!!!

I love you!
Dad

Posted by: Dad at March 1, 2008 8:29 AM

I love you. One of the things that I thought brought us together was God. I still believe that. But given the events of the recent past, I understand why you feel the way you do. Like I said to you this week, I am not where you are. My problem with God is a little different. I don't understand how a God who is supposed to be all about love could take people that He made, and take them back to Heaven with him. I know he doesn't want the evil people for obvious reasons, but I would think he would want people that spread his word to stay on Earth for as long as possible. And my other problem is why does He answer some prayers, and ignore others. However, I can't give up on the idea that there is a God.

Anyway, I love you, and as you have already proven to me, with or without God you are still one of my favorite people! grin

Posted by: robyn at March 1, 2008 3:51 PM

Mike,

This letter certainly took a lot of thought and courage to write and share with all of us. I certainly am proud of you for your honesty and openness. I have no doubts that you will find a new path of love, joy, and peace. You are such a good person, and I know you will continue searching for a truth that will be for you and that will bring you peace. I love you so much. Thank you so much for sharing.

Posted by: Mom at March 2, 2008 9:07 PM

Wow!! I was never sure how to broach the subject of God with you (even via blog) because I knew you were a devout believer and I am not. I think a lot of people like me out there, who believe but are not sure of just what we believe in spiritually. I once argued with someone about the difference between spirituality and belief in God. I think someone can be spiritual yet not necessarily Christian. I know for many many people it is sheer blasphemy.

Posted by: sally at March 3, 2008 12:55 AM

Don't really have much to say but I wanted to make sure you knew that you are still my friend. Self-examination is usually difficult but usually valuable.

Posted by: Weezoh at March 4, 2008 8:05 AM

Thanks for the support everyone.

Posted by: Monolith aka Mikey at March 4, 2008 8:22 PM

Wow Mike! Posting something like this is a difficult thing. Kudos to you for speaking of your own personal truth in a way that, well, rings true!

I, too, have had my bouts with religion. Actually, my struggles are with religiosity - religion for show. I started out with no faith life, chose to become baptized in the Catholic church in my mid-20's, discovered it no longer felt "real" to me in my 30's, and since then I've become more and more convinced that there are spiritual connections between humanity and whatever is beyond, but it's not like what we are told by any particular "religion."

In my book, what matters is how human beings connect with other human beings and the physical environment we are living in. Much of what I believe about that is reflected in the major faith systems in one form or another. When I look at one of my students, it is my job to remember what my role is for that student, that the student is in a delicate place in their HUMAN development (not just educational development), and what I do and say will leave a footprint - sometimes slight, sometimes heavy.

Anyway, that's just a little bit about where I am. I didn't mean to run away with a biography of my spiritual life! Spirituality vs. "religion" is something I find infinitely interesting and I'm glad you have opened up the topic here.

Posted by: Perkusi at March 7, 2008 7:29 AM

Interesting.

I am the same way, but different. The logic in my head and need for understanding conflict with what I do or do not believe daily. To the point where I don't know if I do believe. Or at least I try not to focus or worry about it.

I do know, the year I was highly involved in my church, leading worship, wanting to be a theologist, and praying with my girlfriend at the time, had a huge impact on who I became in the years to come. Although that was 10 years ago since I've really even practiced or payed attention to 'beliefs', I am who I am because of them.

Although I'm still in the middle about what I believe, I have no problem living my life being courteous, friendly and polite to my fellow human, I drink, cuss, watch rated r movies and listen to horrible music . . . and feel ok about it. And the majority of my music is still Christian. My brother, being a big hellion himself, getting arrested, drinking, smoking, the whole nine yards, still bows his head before each meal.

Good Luck.

Posted by: Chris at March 7, 2008 4:57 PM

Hi Mike,

Thanks for commenting on my blog.

Your letter to you family/friends was very thoughtful and considerate. I wish I had had the opportunity to do the same but a nasty, angry Christian who tried to witness to me 3 weeks before my father's rather painful death from lung cancer outed me to my family when she failed to convert me. To say it was ugly is an understatement.

I hope your atheism continues to give you freedom to be all you can be and that you are given the respect you deserve.

Posted by: Summer Squirrel at March 19, 2008 11:04 PM